What exactly is Really Going on When People Stay in Touch With Exes

The reason why maintaining the notion of a reunion throughout the back-burner might be problems.

Published Sep 18, 2016

It’s fairly typical for people to keep up contact with former passionate associates. 1,2 But what takes place when your submit a connection? Can you preserve experience of an ex or cut all of them completely? Can it be detrimental to your brand-new commitment when your ex is still that you experienced? Normally questions many of us can relate solely to, but they haven’t been examined a great deal by relationship researchers—until lately.

In 2 scientific studies, Lindsay Rodriguez and her colleagues interviewed teenagers in passionate connections to find out how many times they communicate with exes, the reason why they maintain get in touch with, and exactly what that states regarding their present connection. 3 The most important study interviewed 260 undergraduates, who had been the help of its latest companion for at least monthly together with a previous connection that lasted at least 3 months.

They found that about 40 % from the people kept in touch with an ex. When it comes to great majority (over 90 per cent), this correspondence began within two months associated with the breakup and carried on to occur one or more times every month or two. A lot of people didn’t correspond with her ex all too often, but limited subgroup—13 percent—had exposure to exes many times per week.

Who’s prone to stay in touch with an ex? The more serious the position regarding the latest relationship (e.g., hitched or nearly engaged vs. matchmaking), the not as likely individuals happened to be having contact with an ex. But persisted communications with an ex got unrelated to how serious the relationship making use of the ex was. (this is exactly most likely mainly because members were relatively younger, so they really wouldn’t normally have a similar amount of investments that will require future get in touch with, such as for example co-parenting, that may occur when much more loyal relationships split.) Instead, it actually was her ideas about their ex and about the break up that expected communications: everyone was more prone to keep in touch with exes they however had thinking for. They certainly were in addition prone to stay in touch with exes if they experienced the separation was more positive—characterized by recognition and too little mean and nasty attitude. At long last, people who stated that they certainly were not around break up are more inclined than others in order to maintain exposure to their unique ex.

Exactly what implications does this have actually for people’s present affairs? Generally speaking, people who stayed touching an ex tended to be considerably dedicated to their unique present mate compared to those whom failed to, but experience of an ex wasn’t involving how fulfilling they found their particular present commitment.

In an additional learn, the scientists more explored just how exposure to exes relates to the caliber of the existing relationship by examining people’s reasons for residing in touch. They surveyed 169 undergraduate people in relationships, which mentioned they communicated with an ex at least one time every couple of weeks.

Now, the group found a link between contact with exes plus the top-notch the existing commitment: The greater regular the connection with an ex, the considerably pleased participants happened to be and their present union.

These two researches together suggest that only being in touch with an ex might not show nothing about precisely how happy you happen to be together with your latest mate, nonetheless it could if that get in touch with is actually regular.

The professionals furthermore questioned players to rate how well every one of four different reasons outlined her cause of communicating with their ex:

  • Your own relationship with your ex are strong and enjoyable.
  • Him/her can be regarded as a possible “backup” in the event the recent union fails.
  • Your ex remains element of their large band of pals.
  • You feel as you spent lots of time and have now gone through loads together with your ex.
  • Just how did these motives relate genuinely to the grade of players’ existing relations? Individuals who maintained call because they had been maintaining the ex in your mind as a backup tended to be much less pleased with and committed to their latest companion. In contrast, if they happened to be communicating with an ex because that people was still element of their unique social media, these people were more prone to be opiniones citas satisfied with their unique present relationship (possibly creating these call suggests good social adjustment, or it really is much more positive as it happens without being intentionally searched for). In most cases, communicating with an ex since they remained a pal or because they had spent plenty in union wasn’t pertaining to the way the respondents believed regarding their existing spouse.